Listening is an art, a skill, a discipline, and like other skills, it needs self-control.
Listening is an essential skill when relating to others.
What is it really?
Most of us spend 70% of the day communicating, 45% of that time listening. We all want to
be listened to. It can feel insulting to be ignored or neglected when we are not listened to or
heard. I’m sure we have all been in a situation like that at some point in our lives. As
coaches, we all need to know what it means to listen, to really listen. It is more than hearing
the words, it is truly understanding and accepting the other person’s message and his/her
situation and feelings.
Some steps to improve active listening
Like the development of any skill, the first step to improvement is to understand what you
can do or stop doing, to get better.
The second step is often the most difficult, requiring you to practice the skill repeatedly.
When I was writing this blog, I wondered: Why do we listen to someone, and why is it
important?
Here are the reasons:
It took some time to think of more than 3 or 4 reasons for listening, and hopefully, you will
have your own thoughts on this. But this is what I came up with:
You Listen To:
- Show your support for the speaker
- Show you are accepting them and being receptive to them.
- To enable the listener to ask appropriate questions to clarify something.
- Enable someone to speak and be heard.
- To provide the silence necessary to encourage speech
- Know when to bring it to closure and summarise to help understanding.
You can add to this list, but when coaching or leading someone, you will certainly develop
greater rapport through listening effectively.
Behaviours that hinder effective listening
One of the best ways to improve your listening skills is to better understand some of the
most common behaviours you and others demonstrate when not listening effectively.
Remember that the following listening blocks should not always be considered bad. In
certain situations, they can be effective at helping an individual achieve a particular result.
Knowing when and why you are using them is key to their effectiveness. Rehearsing Your
whole attention is on designing and preparing your next comment. You look interested, but
your mind is going a mile a minute because you are thinking about what to say next. Some
people rehearse whole chains of responses: I’ll say, then he’ll say, and so on. This can be a
real problem when listening to what is being said.
Judging Negatively
Labelling people can be extremely limiting. If you prejudge somebody as incompetent or
boring, you don’t pay much attention to what that person says. A basic rule of listening is that
judgments should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the
message. Keep the end judgment positive, as you won’t act in your client’s or employees’
best interests. When using this block, you take everything people tell you and refer it back to
your experience.
Derailing
This listening block involves suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of
conversation when you get uncomfortable or bored with a topic or go back to a topic that has
already been covered. Another way of derailing is by joking, which can be very inappropriate
if a client is experiencing difficulty or distress. Placating Right . . . Absolutely . . . I know . . .
Of course you are . . . Incredible . . . Really? You want to be nice, pleasant, supportive. You
want people to like you. So, you agree with everything. You may half-listen just enough to
get the drift, but you are not really involved.
Dreaming
When we dream, we pretend to listen but tune the other person out while we drift about in
our fantasies. Instead of disciplining ourselves to concentrate on the input truly, we turn the
channel to a more entertaining subject. Listening effectively to others can be the most
fundamental and powerful communication tool. When someone is willing to stop talking or
thinking and truly listen to others, all of their interactions become easier, and communication
problems are eliminated.
Tips for Good Listening Practice
It is not easy to listen actively all the time. Our concentration lasts only 15-20 minutes. All of
us get distracted at times. But the good listener gets back on track quickly. So here are a few
tips to help keep on track. When preparing for a coaching session, I ensure that my mind is
clutter-free and I have the space to devote to my client.
When preparing for a call, I always take a few deep breaths and remind myself that I am
there for my client 100% of the time.
I often use visualization exercises to help me feel centred. In this, I imagine the sun rising
over the horizon, filling me with heat and energy, and this never fails to clear any clutter from
my mind.
Another key point is to ask for clarification if you are listening and something is not making
sense. If you don’t and misinterpret what is being said, you may take your client down a
different track from the one they wish to take. Furthermore, we must check what we hear
against our knowledge of the situation and human nature.
We should ask: How is the talker feeling and thinking about him/herself? How does he/she
see the world? We must also “listen to” the facial expressions, body language, and words,
especially in face-to-face sessions.
Check out the blog on Non Verbal communication: https://innkick.com/self-improvement/non-verbal-communication/
The result is that the client/employee feels understood and is often amazed at what they
have said! Another of my tips is to use the gap between the rate of speech and your rate of
thought. If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and
one ear -Mark Twain Listening can be done at twice the rate of talking, so use the extra time
to review what was said and to wonder what wasn’t said. Because you can think faster than
the person you are coaching your mind may tend to wander. Because your mind has the
capacity to listen, think, and ponder simultaneously, you must find a balance that works for
you and your clients, and that does take practice. especially if, by talking, they are clarifying
their thoughts.
Never rush the speaker and make him feel that he’s wasting the listener’s time.
Always showing interest in what is being said – it is important to the client.
Never get ahead of the speaker and finish his/her thoughts.
Happy listening ….
In case, you have some comments or feed forward, happy to listen to them.
Just reach out.